lost in translation

I have a bad habit of planning out conversations. Walking around, working, in line to get coffee—in my head, there’s usually dialogue going on. Especially if there’s a specific, important conversation I need to have with someone.
So last night, when I sat down for my pre-set phone-date with my long-distance, long-time boyfriend, my plan was to explain to him how frustrated I am with our every-other-weekend trysts. I wanted him to know how much I miss him and how my days don’t feel complete without his presence.
He was supposed to tell me that he felt the same way. He was supposed to pick up on my weeks of subtle hints about the size of my apartment and the benefits of roommates. The country mouse was supposed to tell the city mouse that he loved her enough to start a new life minus Bojangles and John Deere.

And I quote:

Me, sitting in my comfy chair, American Idol muted on the tv: “Daniel, I miss you. Being apart is too hard.”
Daniel: “You’re right. I’ve been thinking about this a lot.”
Me, excited, standing up: “Me, too! Something’s gotta’ give, right?”
Daniel: “Yeah. Exactly.”
Me, thinking how lucky we are to be so on the same page : “So –“
Daniel: “I still love you, but it’s just over. You know we can’t do this anymore.”
Me: ????????????????????????????????????????????????/
Daniel: “Hello? Dale?”
Me: “Sorry. What? I couldn't hear you for a second.”
Daniel: “I was just saying, you know we can’t do this long-distance thing forever. It’ll just be easier on both of us if we go ahead and do the inevitable. It’s better to part on good terms now than resenting each other later on, right?”
Me, ????????????????????: “Right. Yeah. I know.”
Daniel: “I’m so relieved that you’ve been thinking the same thing.” (A loud thump in the background.) “Hey. This is bad timing, but my brother’s at the door. I’ll talk to you later?”
Me: “Sure.”


After all the time we’ve invested in this relationship, that’s our break-up? A three minute conversation? A conversation that took less time than one freakin’ Idol performance and judging?
And my response is ‘Sure’? SURE?

There’s no way I’m gonna’ admit to him that I wanted him to move in with me. To take the next step to our future. I can’t tell him that now, can I? I want to get out of this with some dignity, but then again – that conversation didn’t feel like dignity. It felt like he was canceling a a stupid order from the Home Shopping Network.

So. Now what? Do I call him and tell him that I'm not ready to let go or do I just move on?

I don't know. And I hate, hate, hate this feeling.